1 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,875 Sanctus fumus! 2 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,230 What are you looking at then, oh mighty Jupiter? 3 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:23,716 Planet Earth, my dear Vulcan. The 20th century. 4 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:28,390 Oh, what misery. What senseless waste and confusion. 5 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,513 Men and women looking on in dumb horror. 6 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,189 - Well, what is it? - The Paul Daniels Christmas Special. 7 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,995 - Shall I zap him with my thunderbolt? - Not yet, Vulcan. 8 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,998 Oh, bloody hell, ambrosia and nectar again. 9 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,678 It's always the bloody same. 10 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:53,004 I'd kill for sausage, egg and chips. 00:02:25,837 to take swift action against any rebellious tribal leader except Badvoc, 25 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:31,152 who despite having a roguish appearance really has a heart of gold. 26 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,431 In fact, anything he can do for the Romans he will. 27 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,994 Just tip us the wink." 28 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,352 Not the style we are used to from our divine Emperor. 29 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:45,279 Aulus, I think I know who's been tampering with the mail. 30 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,390 - Mm? - Badvoc. 31 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,595 That's brilliant, Grasientus! 32 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,359 You know, we're wasting that brain of yours here. 33 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,550 It could be wedging open a door. 34 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,950 - How are we going to prove it's Badvoc? - Easy. I have a plan. 35 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,675 - All we need is a case of tongue loosener. - Not my best wine again. 36 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,871 Yes, just one glass and he'll let the beans out of the bag. 37 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:12,549 - No, no, you mean the cat. - Yes, sorry, beans out of the cat. 38 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,716 Stupid language! Anyway, whatever. 39 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,751 He'll be legless in no time. 40 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,714 And then she takes off the last veil, right? 41 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,113 - And you'll never guess what! - She was a bloke? 42 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,594 No! She was a bloke! 43 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,473 - Thanks for the drink. I must be off. - Ah! 44 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:39,433 Badvoc, tampering with the imperial mail is a... 45 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,392 Ooh, have I ever shown you this ring? 46 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,398 This is the magic diamond of Selena. 47 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,034 This ring has amazing properties. 48 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,518 So the story goes, the wearer of this ring will one day rule the world. 49 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,596 That's me. 50 00:03:55,640 --> 00:04:00,270 Aulus world rule! Do you see what I mean? 51 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,799 No, I'm afraid I don't. 52 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,389 That's er... that's er... because you are intoxicated. 53 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:10,833 You are incapable of intelligent thought and coherent spooch. 54 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:16,549 I have no alternative but to go "blaargh!" And pass out. 55 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,629 Blaargh! 56 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,352 Full stop. 57 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,391 Let's read that back. 58 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:32,439 "And so, my dear sister, while accidentally pressing my ear against Aulus's door, 59 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,284 I couldn't help overhearing the sensational 60 00:04:35,296 --> 00:04:38,112 news that the ring your dear husband wears 61 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,232 contains the famous magical diamond of Selena. 62 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,510 I immediately thought that the only person 63 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,916 with the ingenuity, the will and the irresistible charm 64 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,599 to relieve Aulus of this ring was you. 65 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,790 I know it's a long way to come from Rome 66 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,230 but here in Chelmsford there is the answer to your wildest dreams. 67 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,191 The key to unimaginable power. 68 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,435 And late night shopping on Thursdays. 69 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,156 Thanks once again for your last letter. 70 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,953 I was sickened to hear that in the Emperor's last purge 71 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:11,518 Father was mutilated and sent to Syria in 47 separate parcels. 72 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:17,078 But look on the bright side. He always wanted to be posted abroad. 73 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,710 P.S. The only other person who knows about this ring is Badvoc, 74 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,716 the leader of the local tribe. 75 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:30,834 But he is too stupid to realise its importance and value." 76 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,440 Quick, let's get this ring off. Damn, it's stuck! 77 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,789 Oh... Oh God... 78 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,910 - Right, who's got the butter? - Here. 79 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,874 We're removing a ring off somebody's finger. 80 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,150 I got a bit extra just in case. 81 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,476 Just in case? Just in case what? 82 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,478 We have to glaze 50,000 carrots on the way home? 83 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,918 - Let's just cut his finger off. - Don't be ridiculous! 84 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,315 Look, it'll be easy. You just take a knife. 85 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,876 You saw through the outer skin. 86 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,878 Slice through the gristle, take the knife into the socket. 87 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:09,879 Snip the cartilage, rip off the finger, slip off the ring, finger back on. 88 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,198 Brilliant. What are we going to stick the finger on with? 89 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,753 Butter? 90 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,758 Oh! Oh! Oh my gorgeous! 91 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,917 Oh, is that you? Oh, my sweet. 92 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:29,636 Come, walk with me, skip through the misty glades of the forest. 93 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,353 Come, skip, my peony petal. 94 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:37,110 Skip through the bluebells, skip, skip, skip! 95 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,754 Badvoc, one kiss and he's a dead man. 96 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,478 To bed, my sweet. To bed! To bed! 97 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,034 Intruders! Intruders! 98 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,469 - Quick, get in the bed! - Guard! Guard! 99 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,476 - Aulus! Aulus! Wake up! - What? What? What? 100 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,238 There's been a break-in! 101 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,750 Grasientus, how dare you burst into my bedchamber like that? 102 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,950 - You're alone, aren't you? - Of course I am. 103 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,073 Supposing that lying here was some gorgeous young... Argh! 104 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,031 Erm... 105 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,638 Butter, anyone? 106 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,038 There you go, posty. 107 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,390 Drink up, son, there's plenty more where that came from. 108 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,317 Eat up, eat up, help yourself. 109 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,079 Always an honour to entertain the imperial postman. 110 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,634 - Well? - There's a lot of mail from Rome. 111 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,636 - How long will you be? - I don't know. 112 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:33,116 Thanks for everything, Badvoc, but I must be making a move now. 113 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:37,551 You can't go just yet, posty. Surely you can stay for another... 114 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,079 - Ten minutes. - Ten minutes. 115 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,750 No, I really must leave now. Where did I put that bag? 116 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,791 Well, what a shame. 117 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,195 What a shame you have to go now. 118 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,596 Means you won't get a chance to meet her but never mind. 119 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,914 Sorry? 120 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,270 Oh, it's just some stunningly beautiful girl 121 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,710 with this insatiable sexual obsession with postmen. 122 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,883 It's funny, really. She sees a postman and 123 00:08:03,895 --> 00:08:06,910 she's just got to have rampant sex with him. 124 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,793 Still, if you can't stay, you can't stay. See you. 125 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,355 Well, I... I could probably spare five minutes. 126 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,755 She's really beautiful then, is she? 127 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,918 I don't know if you can picture perfection in human form but this girl is it. 128 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,076 The limpid depths of her green eyes. 129 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:26,591 - Go on. - Er, the er... fullness of her lips. 130 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,755 Yeah. 131 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,872 - The moist wetness of... - Yeah! 132 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,831 The first week of February. 133 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,230 Badvoc. Finished. 134 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,716 - When will she get here? - Any minute now, I should think. 135 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,115 - Hello, Badvoc! - Ah, Blag. Blag? 136 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,119 Where is she? Oh no! I bet you've come to say she's not coming. 137 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,469 - Who? - Who! That's right, Who! 138 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,069 That's the girl's name. Who. It's a foreign name, I think, yes. 139 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,588 - Who's not coming? - Damn, I knew it! 140 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,832 I knew she'd let us down. 141 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,509 Never mind, another time. You best be off. Don't forget your mail. 142 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,836 - You will let me know when she comes? - We'll keep you posted. 143 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:11,960 Well? 144 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,958 Grasientus and his sister Marcella, Aulus's wife. 145 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,275 - Right. - Are hatching a plan to get the ring. 146 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,992 She's travelling from Rome. 147 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:23,113 This is the sort of information we can use to our advantage. Let's go. 148 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,674 Here, do you want me to wait for that girl? 149 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,358 - Who? - That's the one. 150 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,273 What? She's coming here? 151 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,319 But why? Why would she want to leave Rome and come to this armhole? 152 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,873 - Armpit. - Armpit. 153 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,672 Stupid language! 154 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,713 Badvoc, that woman, she's a monster, she's insane. She's inhuman. 155 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:52,038 - Aulus, she can't really be that bad. - Can't be that bad? Grasientus! 156 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,479 - Yes? - Get out! 157 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,555 Yes. 158 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,795 That was her brother. 159 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,637 I see what you mean. 160 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,794 Er... Listen, Aulus, I've been thinking. 161 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:07,311 And I think I've got a plan of how we can get rid of Marcella. 162 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,318 - How? - You give me all your possessions. 163 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,430 - I do what? - You make me governor. 164 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,836 Give me your power, your wealth, your villa, your silk togas, 165 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,269 your horses, that insignificant little ring. 166 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,949 Those golden sandals with the flowers on. You give me everything. 167 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,557 But I'd have to be mad to do that. 168 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,431 Exactly! 169 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,751 And would Marcella want to be married to a madman? No. 170 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,872 She'd be on the first boat back to Rome filing for a divorce. 171 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,437 Do you know, Badvoc, I think you've just had a good idea. 172 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,678 I'll pretend I'm mad. I'll pretend I'm completely around the corner. 173 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,597 - Bend. - Good idea, I'll bend. 174 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,039 I'll bend. 175 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:54,232 I'll walk in a silly way and pretend I'm completely mad! What do you think? 176 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,952 - No. - She's terrified of birds. 177 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,355 I'll pretend to be a bird! This is brilliant. 178 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,152 What kind of bird shall I become? 179 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,395 - I always thought of you as a tit. - Really? 180 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,319 I know, I'll become a duck! A duck, that's right. 181 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,518 Pathetic, isn't it? 182 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,518 How could a race so stupid ever conquer us in the first place? 183 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,028 He's good, isn't he? 184 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,359 Easily. 185 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:42,713 - So far so good, boys. Got the ring. - It's a bit tarty, isn't it? 186 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,671 I wouldn't wear it. 187 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,599 - Right, that'll be Marcella. - She's good on that trumpet, isn't she? 188 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,951 Come on, you old dragon, get in here. 189 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,758 Good day, gentlemen. 190 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,676 Where is my husband Aulus? 191 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,553 - Erm... 192 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,072 Excuse me. Excuse me. 193 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,873 Mungo, stop thinking what you're thinking. 194 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,798 Start thinking it when I've finished thinking it. 195 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,399 Sorry about that, your ladyship. My name is Badvoc. 196 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,955 - The temporary Roman governor of Britain. - Put it there. 197 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,839 I'm Mungo. 198 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,917 They call me Eight-times-a-night Mungo. 199 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,079 - Really? - Yeah, he's got a very weak bladder. 200 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,556 Can somebody tell me what's going on? 201 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,275 Yeah, we had a bit of bad news about your husband, your ladyship. 202 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,595 - You see... - What's wrong with him? Is he ill? 203 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,074 Well, sort of. He's ill in the head. 204 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,509 - Has he gone mad? - Let's put it this way. 205 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,552 If there's a competition for the sanest man in Chelmsford, 206 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,478 I don't think Aulus would feature in the final 16. 207 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,272 Let me see him. I must see him. 208 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:10,950 I don't think that would be wise in his present state. He has gone gaga. 209 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,514 - Oh look, there he is! 210 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,275 - You're Socrates, the philosopher. - Am I? 211 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,754 - Yes, you don't recognise me, do you? - No. 212 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,552 I'm the pyramids! 213 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,629 - Perhaps this will jog your memory. - Oh yeah! 214 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,318 Argh! What's that? 215 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,431 It's a lamb chop! An old lamb chop! 216 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,869 A rancid, maggot-ridden old lamb chop. 217 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,310 My poor dear husband. What have they done to you? 218 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,191 Argh! It's a talking lamb chop. 219 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,515 I told you, no talking lamb chops! 220 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,318 - It's good fun. How am I doing? - Less of the physical. 221 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,989 - Sorry. Where's Grasientus? - Oh, he's erm... washing his hair. 222 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,871 You put him in prison? Good. 223 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,595 Well, I'm not standing for this, Socrates. I don't care what you say. 224 00:13:55,640 --> 00:14:00,555 I want this old lamb chop removed by sunset yesterday. Come on, boy! 225 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,158 Giddy-up! Giddy-up! 226 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,870 Is he always like that? 227 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,798 No, we're lucky today. Normally he talks nonsense. 228 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,671 I couldn't help noticing he wasn't wearing his ring. 229 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,711 - What ring? - This ring. 230 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,991 - Oh, that ring! - It's an old family heirloom. Worthless. 231 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,634 Sentimental value only. Why have you got it? 232 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,035 He gave it to me. It was a swap, really. 233 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,992 - What did you give him? - A cloud. 234 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,473 A cloud? 235 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,273 It was one he'd seen and liked and I thought why not. 236 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,993 - I don't believe this. - Look out, here he comes. 237 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,275 You, hold Alexander the Great. 238 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,878 Badvoc, a word. 239 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,953 I am posthumous cheese chomper, king of the dormice. 240 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,075 I'm in the area checking for stray... Agh! What's that behind you? 241 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,712 Oh that, it's a lamb chop. 242 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,149 Are you mad? It's a tabby cat! 243 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,998 A mangy tabby cat! I told you before, no cats in here! 244 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,598 Stop thumping me. 245 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,996 - If you'd let me do my duck she'd be gone. - It's going fine. 246 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,431 Haven't you got any skirting boards you'd like to nibble, king cheese chomper? 247 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:12,712 What? Oh yes! Yes, I have! Yes. Squeak squeak squeak! 248 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,916 It's just too awful. 249 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,032 My poor darling husband, totally unrecognisable. 250 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,389 If only I had something to remember him by. 251 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:27,274 This worthless ring, for example, would mean so much to me. 252 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,311 I'd do anything to have it. 253 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,472 - Erm... anything? - Anything. 254 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,193 Does anything include everything? 255 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,199 - It might. - I am Neptune, king of the oceans! 256 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,471 - I don't believe this. - Neptune am I, ruler of the deep. 257 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,398 I am the king and the waves are my subjects. 258 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,795 You say hello to one of my subjects. 259 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,353 Oh! 260 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:57,597 Right, that does it. Excuse me, Marcella, it's time for Aulus's medication. 261 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,517 Oh! 262 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,958 - Is he all right? - Yeah, juts a mild sedative. 263 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,991 Shall we? 264 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,032 Here, Mungo. Is madness infectious? 265 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,116 - Course not. - Told you! 266 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,111 Come on, eat up. 267 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,470 This is erm... interesting. What is it? 268 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,555 It's horse. 269 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:30,880 Horse? 270 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,549 Takes a lot of careful preparation, horse, you know. 271 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,354 I mean, you don't just kill a horse, slap it on the table. 272 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,595 You have to do things to it first. 273 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,150 Got to get the rider off it for a start. 274 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,679 That's right. 275 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,713 And then you've got to detach the cart or you wouldn't get it in the oven. 276 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,637 Badvoc, as much as I'd love 277 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,070 to discuss the delights of Celtic cuisine with these halfwits, 278 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,271 I think we have more pressing business to attend to. 279 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,311 Right, I'll go and muck out the bed. 280 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,795 But first I think we should pay Aulus a little visit. 281 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,794 Er, why? 282 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,718 Because I don't believe he's mad. I think it's put on. 283 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,228 But what about our pressing business? 284 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,909 Aulus first, pressing later. 285 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,872 Neptune! Neptune! 286 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,515 The look on Badvoc's face when I threw that water over him! 287 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,676 Next time I'll be the god of fire. 288 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,349 I wonder how he'd cope with a burning torch up his breeches? 289 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,153 I think he's through here, Marcella. 290 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,230 - Oh my God! - What's wrong? 291 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:39,593 The madness has got worse. He's started talking and doing everything backwards. 292 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,913 - No, he hasn't. - You better come and see for yourself. 293 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,553 - He looks all right to me. - How are things, Aulus? 294 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,070 - That's awful! - I think it's brilliant. 295 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,956 - He really has gone mad. - Yes, I'm afraid it gets worse. 296 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,878 After the backwards phase he goes into his er... 297 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,959 standing upside down with his head in a bucket full of pig's liver phase. 298 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,677 - Of course, I'll have to divorce him. - Definitely, yeah. 299 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,871 I can't be married to a man who does everything backwards. 300 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,399 Quite, yeah. 301 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,880 - We weren't really suited deep down. - Really? 302 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,036 - He was very jealous of me. - Yeah. 303 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,906 I expect he told you foul things about me. 304 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,755 No, no. 305 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,792 He probably said I was bad tempered, violent and mad. 306 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:53,909 No, no. 307 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,511 That I take pleasure from stripping men and singeing their groins with torches. 308 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,556 It never cropped up in conversation. 309 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,989 - It's because he feels inadequate. - Yeah. 310 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,395 - He just couldn't satisfy my needs. - No. 311 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,072 - I need a lusty forest beast. - Yeah. 312 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,951 I need a godlike animal. 313 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,788 I need a faun, half man, half goat. 314 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,274 I need a... a Pan. 315 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,436 I can get you a pan. They're in the kitchen. 316 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,119 - You'll satisfy me, won't you, Badvoc? - Yeah. 317 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,753 - Aulus was so poor a lover, you know. - Really? 318 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,951 Sometimes he could only keep going for five or six hours. 319 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,070 Pardon? 320 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,476 He could only manage to fulfil me 20 times a night. 321 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,512 - Really? Er... - You're not like him, are you, Badvoc? 322 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,994 No, I'm definitely not like him, no. Er... 323 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,076 Then do your damnedest! 324 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,712 Do you want to look at the pans? 325 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,548 - Take me, Badvoc, now! - Right, right. 326 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,878 But first, Badvoc, poppet, take off the ring. 327 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,478 Why? 328 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,718 Well, I can't make my love to a man who's wearing my poor husband's ring. 329 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,992 I shouldn't think Aulus will mind. He's probably got his head in pig's liver. 330 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,634 I insist. Take it off and give it to me. 331 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,989 Can't I give it to you then take it off? 332 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,470 Don't be so impudent, you fetid savage! 333 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,239 You're not fit to lie with any woman, let alone a Roman. 334 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,273 You're filth, you're scum. You're as bad as that other worm Aulus. 335 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,431 Give me that ring. 336 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,426 You spineless abomination, you purulent 337 00:20:27,438 --> 00:20:30,396 louse, you grunting primeval pig-faced slug! 338 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,750 Give it to me. Give it to me! 339 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,995 Give it to me or I'll shred you to bits! 340 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,395 Er... I take it the shag's off? 341 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:39,634 Arrrgh! 342 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:49,272 - Badvoc, Badvoc, it's me, the postman. - Listen, I'm in a bit of a hurry. 343 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,312 Whatever happened to that gorgeous girl you had for me? 344 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,918 - Who? - That's the one. 345 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,759 I tell you what... 346 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,319 Talking backwards! 347 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,272 - Aulus! Aulus! 348 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,959 You're right. She's totally insane. 349 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,036 - She tried to seduce you? - Tried to seduce me. 350 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,389 - "Badvoc, I need a Pan." - All that, yeah. 351 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,271 - She pulls a knife? - At my throat. 352 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,630 I told you, she's inhuman, she's insane, she's a monster. 353 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,069 - She's behind me. - She's behind you. What?! 354 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,674 Excuse me, sir, I wonder, could you help me? 355 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,188 - I certainly hope so. - I'm looking for Badvoc. 356 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,310 Yeah. I've just... 357 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,112 Just a minute! 358 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,151 You're her, aren't you? 359 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,236 - Who? - That's right. 360 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,477 Well, actually, I'm a postman. 361 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,478 - So come on, give it to me. - All right, then. 362 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,152 Badvoc, I want that ring! 363 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,640 Oh, I see. Oh dear, oh dear. 364 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,955 You've both gone mad and think you're birds? 365 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,191 And as you know, Aulus, I have a terrible fear of birds. 366 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,432 So terrible, in fact, that I consulted a doctor. 367 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,869 Oh-oh! 368 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:14,232 Told me that the only way to overcome this fear was to confront it. 369 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,157 Eradicate it. 370 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,040 Kill it. 371 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,550 So much for the ring that gives the wearer unlimited powers. 372 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,199 Die! 373 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,517 Bloody hell! 374 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,633 I told you not to use that thunderbolt! 375 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:39,958 I'm sorry but I got fed up of those two prats pretending to be birds. 376 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,468 You hit that rather attractive young lady. 377 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,353 Oh no! She was a nice bit of crumpet! 378 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,516 Now she's a nice bit of toasted crumpet. 379 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,632 Don't blame me. You gave me the thunderbolt for my birthday. 380 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,717 I wanted a football. You gave Mars a football. 381 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,830 - Yes, well. - And a train set. 382 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,552 - But... - And a spirograph. 383 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,830 Well, he's the god of war. 384 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,598 I don't want to upset him, do I? 385 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:05,952 Jupiter, you're an all-seeing, all-knowing god who understands everything. 386 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,036 - Yes... - Well, answer me this. 387 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,230 What does a producer do? 388 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,034 Well, there are some things even a god can't fathom. 389 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:21,115 Ripped By mstoll